Getting My Spanks on Spanx

June 6, 2010 at 12:18 am (Uncategorized)

These aren’t your ordinary granny girdles

 It urks me. Turning on QVC or any channel at 4 am and seeing a size 3 prancing around in a pair of nude spandex spanx. I’m often wondering if she’s just going to work out in some weird 80s revamp athletic wear. I think this because there’s no possible way that she, a bouncing twenty-something, needs a pair of spanx. No way. She looks like she ran 10 miles that morning, came back and dined on some raw veggies, fruit, and guzzled down a bottle of vitamin water. She’s definitely not the middle-aged woman who looks at herself in the mirror and realizes that either her bust size is shrinking or it’s going south for the winter, rounding the hump that is Mt. Tummy. Her thighs, she thinks, look like someone shoved two pounds of cottage cheese inside of them and let her roll right out of her thirties without a surgeon’s warning.

And while most of the models in these commercials -are- that woman, and several different versions of her, there’s still that young girl bouncing around with boobs out to…nowhere. Why is she there? There’s no reason for her to be there, only to make thin girls feel bad for -not- wearing spanx at all. It confuses me and I will swear on Wanda Sykes’ Imma Be Me comedy show that I have nothing that bad to say against Spanx. Maybe it’s just me being me, jaded at the fact that this girl is older than me and has a younger body than I do. I’ve been chubby all my life, except when I was really young, and I should embrace the belly and the thick thighs. And sometimes I wonder if I should invest in a pair, just to try it out, see if I get any more looks from guys than I already do which is currently zero. But I always feel a sense of false advertising when I think about it.
Spanx: Slimming and Shaping. Like a tummy tuck and extra skin removal but temporary. Temporary, aka once you get in the bedroom with that man of yours the spanx will be revealed, off, and your body exposed. Or worse, exposing your true body to yourself after a hard girl’s night out, a tough day at work.
There’s no critic worse than yourself, not even that gossip girl in the cubicle down from you who’s critical about everyone’s outfit – because when it comes down to it she’s harder on herself than anyone around her. Why do you wear spanx, you might ask yourself as you discard them into the basket to be cleaned, who are you trying to fool and impress? Isn’t this a bit counterproductive if you’re supportive of Dove’s beauty campaign? How are you going to explain this to the possible Mister Right? ‘I wear these because they make me feel better about myself, like I can eat just one more chocolate and not fear the bulge for a couple more hours.’ Is this the price to pay for self-esteem? A tool that makes you conform to the popular image of the ‘It’ girl…whoever she is.
But who am I to judge? It makes millions of women happy everyday. It inspires self-esteem, self-conceptualization, self-worth in those who had trouble doing all those things in the past. It’s my fault if I let myself go and prance around for the world to see my rolls just because I’m pissed at some twenty-something who wears spanx for commercials and presentations and doesn’t know I exist.

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