For Once Regretting Bacon and Pasta.

July 9, 2010 at 11:59 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

I scoffed at the Total Gym when QVC showed it as an item for sale at one in the morning. I thought:

‘The nerve of these people! Praying on the weak points of our subconcious’ that tell us that the we should all look like that when we’re fifty!’

I thought of it as if QVC had the audacity to sell a piece of equipment that would give some people, not all, a new lease on life as their pounds are shed. Now with one simple gesture of being pointed at and cheeks being puffed out I’m sitting on my bed staring longingly at the Total Gym with a bowl of Ranch&Bacon Pasta salad. It’s sad really. Very pathetic.

I wore a skirt today that doesn’t zipper all the way anymore even though it fit perfectly just three weeks before I went to college. I had to toss away a stretch button up shirt this morning after feeling the tightness around my arms and witnessing the pulling of the buttons just above my belly button. I was worried all night that my new facebook friend, an internet friend mostly, would think I was fat despite everything that we’ve been through. As if he would abandon me because of the fifteen to twenty pounds I had packed around one thigh. I was reminded yesterday of a diet book I had read at age fourteen about snacking. All I can remember of the book was this lingering image of a fat woman sitting in the midst of nine black trashbags, homeless, and the fact that she ate seven times a day.

While I looked through my fashion book from the Kyoto Costume Institute in Japan, I couldn’t help but think that none of these dresses emphasized a waist size. They had a distinct silhouette but no matter the weight a woman would look beautiful and well put together. It gave me the idea of tossing away all my slouchy tee shirts and working nonstop on a wardrobe just like it. No one was ever concerned with being model thin. If anything they were worrying if their ass and hips looked too small and narrow. Unlike today where we wonder if we’re small enough, thin enough, and having curves at the same time.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the only people destined for modern society images are those who are born with the ‘inappropriate’ genes to be shapely and athletic. I was destined to be big boned with small chesticles and broad shoulders. I will only be thin with  lady bumps and lumps in my dreams, running and jumping on the backs of my lover, silky hair flying in the wind.

Time for another wardrobe change.


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Watching Wimbledon on an American Holiday

July 4, 2010 at 4:49 pm (Uncategorized)

It’s the fourth of july and personally I could care less. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather be here than anywhere else in the world. Actually that’s not true but for the sake of this blog let’s just pretend. As I was saying, I don’t care too much for this holiday. Red, white, and blue is almost too standard and as far as those three colours go, anything goes. There will be people painting their faces and wearing outrageous costumes, maybe even riding bikes in a g-string with a flag sticking out of their crack. It’s all very plausible and I think that as far as American’s go, they’ve stretched patriotism to its breaking point. No other country that I know of celebrates their independence day with such vigor and violence. [Besides don’t they realize that the Union Jack is also red, white and blue for nearly the same reasons?]

Worst of all it usually comes at a time where everyone else in the world is prepared to ignore them and their loud booming fireworks. After all I’ve been keeping myself busy by watching Wimbledon and the World Cup; the two things that America is currently not part of. Thank goodness. If Andy Roddick and the US football team [soccer, people, soccer] had managed to beat out Nadal for the trophy and stomped Ghana into the ground who knows how huge this 4th of July would be. But it’s not like the US would neccessarily rub that in their faces, huh? It’s not like every other day they go around toting guns to promote ‘democracy’.

But while I’m here I might as well say ‘Happy birthday’ to the youngest superpower in the world. They’ve made it through more than 250 years of colic and are now just trying to get out of the terrible twos. All those pains are just growing pains and sooner rather than later they’ll find themselves in that age where acne is prevalent. Rest assured, China, Russia, and maybe old hated grandma Britian will tell them, that the acne and awkwardness will go away soon enough. Common sense will hit as hard as bricks and all their silly childhood notions will melt away. Maybe they will realize that everyone being different is a really good thing and that without diversity all things would fall. And maybe then they will stop hating themselves for being a body of many colours and races.

So happy birthday, America.

And many more….

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